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Monday, October 19th, 2009
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I can't help but think of rugby and running up mountains when I smell wet, trampled grass.
I wonder if I love kayaking because it is completely unstructured? You can go anywhere, without restrictions. There are no fences, no paths to follow. Just the open expanse of water, like a canvas for your thoughts.
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Wednesday, October 14th, 2009
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There is a twilight zone which exists between uncertainty and survival. It is characterised by the paralysed inactivity which comes only when you have so much spinning in your head that no one action seems possible in itself.
Slowly, the weight of necessity compresses your focus onto a single objective and, upon achieving it, your confidence grows, the pressure of necessity swells and things start to happen with manic rapidity.
With hindsight, you look back from amid the warm safety of survival and realise how much time you wasted and how much richer survival could have been.
That is business and entrepreneurship for you.
I yearn for a life which tests the power of my body and not just the capacity of my brain.
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Friday, September 11th, 2009
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It occurred to me today I operate primarily on the basis the world around me is full of very stupid people. Unfortunately I am often right. Perhaps more unfortunately, I am aware such an approach can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
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Monday, September 7th, 2009
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The other day I found myself in a situation and wondering what a father's advice would be. However, the person I pictured in my mind was my Uncle, not my Dad.
I fear to delve too deeply here as I suspect I have all sorts of unresolved thoughts about my Dad, responsibility and father figures.
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If you tell me I can't do something I want to do, I will prove you wrong. Simple as that.
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I wonder if I am alone in feeling the emotions of love, pity and trust are very close to each other?
Separately, I am deeply privileged to work with the people I do.
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Wednesday, May 20th, 2009
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Tuesday, April 14th, 2009
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Yesterday was a special day of riding.
Left the house at 6am in the morning mist and cycled through the deserted streets of London, empty on the bank holiday. My route took me down to the Woolwich ferry, where boatmen have carried Londoners across the river since 1300, and took the free ferry south of the river.
From there, I cycled on past the Grand Depot, where the warships were loaded in the days of empire and further south, passing Shooters Hill and Eltham Palace.
I met my uncle and some friends, cycling on further into Kent. It was all new territory for me. We stopped at a pub and met a lady whose father used to own one of the wharfs on the Thames. Later in the ride we stopped at another pub where they had a hog roast.
I got home, again via the ferry, at about 6pm - 12 hours riding.
Great day and one which left me feeling more connected to the history of London than ever before. Also nice to feel the training paying off.
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Martin Scorcese's Casino may well be the very best film of its kind ever made, due in no small part to the virtues of Robert de Niro's wardrobe. Show me another man who can wear a gold shirt and a peach jacket with such...gravitas.
So here we are.
What do you do when you look in the mirror and you don't like what you see?
I am failing myself in many ways at the moment. I know my weaknesses and yet I seem content to ignore them while they chip away at what I think I want to be.
I am not trying my best. With Happy, with my family, my friends and with work.
I heard an interesting expression the other day: 'the read about that generation'. It is a term applied to the short attention span, the broad but shallow knowledge and the sense of disconnection exhibited by my generation. It comes from the growing tendency for people to have 'read about' something rather than to have read the book itself.
"Do you know Windows in the Willows?"
"Yeah, I read about that."
No, you don't. The answer is no you don't. You can't know a book from reading its review, just like you can't know a person unless you take the time to immerse yourself in them.
I've avoided three calls from Happy today. I don't know what to say to her.
My great fear is that I have misjudged her and misjudged myself.
I don't seem to have the energy to work this through right now. I can't quite believe it. It is the most important thing I'm trying to think through, but I just feel exhausted. There is no sign of clarity.
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Rested during the day today. Didn't feel up for the pre-breakfast workouts I've had recently.
I ran after dinner instead. I love running at night. Tonight the stars were out. There is something silently beautiful about the nightscape. I enjoy the dawn and bright sunny days, but there is a special closeness to the night which I adore.
I've noticed recently how I like being out, whether exercising or just exploring, when others are at home. The city in the early morning, the roads at night, the beach in the winter. Perhaps this is a natural kickback against the constantly connected world of my working days or perhaps it is a sign that, deep down, I prefer solitude?
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Moved to tears by music.
The Chorus of the Hebrew Slaves, the Vienna State Opera, conducted by Lamberto Gardelli.
Gardelli lives and breathes the music he conducts.
I may be an uncle any minute now.
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Wednesday, March 25th, 2009
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Knocked out 20 miles on the bike yesterday afternoon. Felt good. I'm starting to feel some good strength in the top of my legs.
The strategy of little and often seems to be paying dividends.
Had 5 miles cross country running before breakfast this morning. The wind was strong, which slowed me, but it was hugely invigorating.
I've been thinking a lot about how life would be if I hadn't completed the Ironman. My knees would certainly be in better shape, but how would I have fared psychologically? I was very close to pulling out before I even started the swim. But I didn't. I could have stopped at any point on the bike, or the run, especially when my knees were really starting to hurt. But I didn't.
Perhaps sometimes you need to trade physical damage for mental strength?
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Tuesday, March 24th, 2009
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I think I am actually in danger of being overwhelmed by work.
Nothing seems to function properly right now. So much legacy. So much complexity. So little time.
I long to release myself and let my mind run free where it is no longer bound by these constraints.
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Last week was a mixture of avoidance and indulgence.
Had a short ride Tuesday and a run on Wednesday. Did nothing on Thursday and Friday, primarily through laziness.
Saturday morning I went for a longer pre-breakfast ride. Left just after the dawn and the fields were still covered in frost, which gradually melted in the spring sunshine. Magnificent and inspiring.
Had a 7 mile hike on Saturday afternoon.
Went out again in the beautiful early morning on Sunday for a long run, which felt fantastic.
Really enjoyed the early starts. I love it when the world is quiet with the sounds of nature. On balance the Thursday and Friday rest days probably did me a lot of good, as I felt great on the weekend bike and run expeditions.
Tired today, but would like to get out on the bike for a while.
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Tuesday, March 17th, 2009
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Slacking.
Went out on the bike on Friday for a little while, then some weights when I got home.
Saturday I walked around London all day, but did nothing in the way of real exercise.
Sunday was more walking, but I did manage to get out for a short, fast run in the evening. Then some weights.
Yesterday Happy and I skived work and drove to the beach. Had a good long walk, but again no sweat-breaking, heart pumping exercise.
It is a beautiful day today, so my ambition is to ride by bike to the woods and then go for a run. We'll see whether capability matches ambition.
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Wednesday was a hill day. There's one decent-sized valley near here and it is particularly good for this kind of training because there is a quiet road which runs from the top of one valley side and up to the ridge of the other. This means you get a fast descent, followed by a big climb and can then turn around and do exactly the same again.
The descents give you a brief recovery period and the ascents come in quick succession, meaning you can get quite an intense workout in a relatively short distance.
I did 3 circuits of this and then pedaled home at a relaxed pace.
Had a weights session when I got back.
Yesterday was a rest day, walking a few miles along the canal with Happy.
We had a lot to discuss and none of it was very pleasant. We didn't arrive at any conclusion, but nevertheless I think the conversation was worthwhile.
Where does compromise end and sacrifice start?
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Tuesday, March 10th, 2009
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Started off with some weights at home this morning, then went out for a run. Great running weather - muddy on the ground and with a light rain.
The run felt pretty good, both from an exertion point of view and my knees.
Running uphill through a ploughed field, with shoes getting heavier and heavier from the mud, I started thinking about the madness of mountain marathons. The hills near where I live are very gentle, but I remember the days of charging up proper mountains, carrying a full pack of overnight gear. Great times. Be interesting to see whether I could still do it. It is the weight on your back and the roughness of the ground which are the real killers, as I discovered to my cost when I turned up to my first race with little experience of either. I'm wiser now!
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Ended up doing a lot of walking around London on Friday. Thinking mainly, but also treating myself to a celebratory dinner after a small business success. No real exercise though.
Saturday was quite a big day. 5+ hours of mountain biking up and down the South Downs, including some major climbs. Great territory. A part of the Downs I am unfamiliar with and a perfect day to enjoy the barren, windswept hills. The landscape was monochrome, the wind harsh and the hills punishing. There was a particularly cruel climb to finish the day. Exactly the sort of cathartic torture I was looking for.
Sunday was invested in bike maintenance.
This morning I got up early so I could walk to my first meeting and was surprised to find the walk was over 3 miles. A nice way to start the day, with plenty of time to relax and the sun shining in London.
Had a chilled out spin on the road bike this evening, followed by some weights at home.
The zone I am aiming for most of the time is the sweet spot just outside the CV comfort zone where you feel like you're having to push yourself, but you're not yet hurting. I firmly believe that's where the big gains in fitness are found.
Saturday provided a reassuring confirmation of my ability to go for long periods in tough territory. Need to make those kind of days a regular fixture.
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Ran yesterday. It was tough to convince myself to get out there. A stressful day had made me feel lethargic and defeatist. It is crazy what the mind does...exercise is probably the best thing you can do when you're feeling stressed and tired, yet the brain does it its best to convince you otherwise.
Once I got out there I found the running, the evening sun, the sound of the river and the sight of wildlife to be a great outlet. That said, I could still feel the stress and the anger inside me as I ran and when I returned. It revealed just how wound up I am. At least it helped to let out a little pressure.
Unfortunately I have a lot I need to finish on my PC this morning and then a series of meetings in the afternoon. Exercise seems unlikely.
Tomorrow, however, I crave several hours on my mountain bike, trudging up big, energy-sapping, grassy hillsides on the South Downs.
I remain hugely concerned about Happy, relocation and our seemingly divergent places in life.
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